Thoughts on the female ‘drive to be a victim’

Here’s something that might be interesting about the “jerk-nice guy question” (it refers to a specific character of female).  It may be useful, interesting, stupid, or silly, depending on your point of view:

As I said before, about 1990 or so I was studying to be a psychologist.  It was then that a subject caught my attention that I’ve been looking at ever since.  One of the problems I kept seeing is a tendency for many girls to be attracted to abusive males.  The cases I was looking at, at this time, were extreme cases.  I was dealing with girls that would be beat damn near to death, ending up in a hospital, then go right back to the same guy a week later.  Some wouldn’t go to the same guy but go to a guy with the same character and get the same treatment.  I recall several therapists just completely stumped why these girls would keep doing it.  If I recall right one said, “It’s like there’s nothing you can do.  These girls are DRIVEN to be abused for some reason.”  It seems many of these extreme cases involved girls who had been abused or molested as children.  That wasn’t true with all of them though.  I have a relative whose therapist told her that she was addicted to “drugs and abusive men”.  I know a good friend who would marry an abusive male, divorce (because he’s an idiot), then marry another to start the cycle over again.  Neither was abused as children.

Now, it’s a well known fact that a lot of male violence is related to sexuality.  In other words, sexuality makes some guys tend to be violent and want to inflict it onto people.  I’ve heard a lot of speculation on that.  What a lot of people don’t realize is that it goes the other way for the female.  Since the female is opposite in character there’s a tendency for her to want to be passive and receive violence (the male gives, the female receives, just like the sexual relationship . . . isn’t that weird?).  THE SEXUAL DRIVE IN THE FEMALE OFTEN CREATES A DRIVE TO BE VICTIMIZED.  While we have male serial murderers and abusers out there (who are often motivated by sexuality) so we also have what we might want to call female “serial victims” (also motivated by sexuality) who seek to be victimized.  They put themselves in a position to be victimized and are ATTRACTED to the guys they know will do it.  These are the girls I’m speaking about.  It’s from observing these over the years that I found that many females are often victims because they want to be victims, though they usually deny it if you ask them.  Very rarely will a female admit to it (though I’ve heard some say it . . . and sometimes with pride!).  I don’t think most realize what they’re doing myself. 

I recall one conversation with one of these girls.  I asked her what she saw in these abusive guys and she said, “They are exciting guys to be around.”  She used some older words calling these guy ‘rebels’ and the guys who are not ‘rebels’ she called the ‘family man’,  which correspond to what we often call the ‘jerk’ and ‘nice guy’ now.  “All a family man does,” she said, “is go to work, come home, kiss the wife and plop himself on the couch and watch  TV.  What fun is there in that?  The rebels have balls and aren’t scared to do anything.  That’s the guy I want to be around.”  The price she paid for that:  getting beat and abused quite heavily.  Later she regretted her behavior and saw the error in it, but she wouldn’t listen to anyone telling her that earlier though.  It seems that many of these girls would regret what they had done earlier in their life, as it often devastated their lives.  It reminded me of drug addicts or alcoholics and the devastation drugs and alcohol can do to people.   More than once I’ve called this an ‘addiction’ that some girls have.  My personal feelings is that, for some girls, it behaves just like alcoholism and drug addiction.

Many of these girls also seemed to have contempt for the guys who weren’t abusive-like, and treated them rudely, harshly, and ignorantly.  Since I wasn’t one of those guys I received this treatment often.  I, myself, had several of them express contempt to me and tell me I wasn’t a ‘man’ and some coward.  I thought some were actually going to spit on me for being next to them.  They seem to have this notion, apparently, that the abusive-like guys were more ‘grown-up’ than a guy who wasn’t.  We were ‘little boys’ who ‘needed to grow up’.  Poor me!  I didn’t swear, cuss, womanize, or drink.  What a coward I must be.  Do you see a pattern here?  Do you not see the similarity between a ‘jerk’ (the abusive male) and a ‘nice guy’ (the non-abusive male)?  You might have to actually see it in action to see what I mean.  In these cases the girls became infatuated with abusive males and spat on the non-abusive ‘nice guys’.  I’d grow to see a milder version of that in everyday life, as a lot of us have (which I’ll mention below).

The remark above was about the only insightful statement I ever got from any female about this issue in twenty years.  I’ve found females very incapable of explaining it.  Over the years I felt this is one of the reasons why they do it:  they don’t seem to know what they’re doing, hence they can’t seek to control it (though, being passive in character, they probably wouldn’t try to control it if they could).  I recall several instances where a female would tell me an explanation then tell someone else a totally different explanation the next day.  I began to learn that female testimony isn’t all that accurate or reliable.  Many girls would be abused by their boyfriend then sit and tell me how he loved her so much.  They’d give this fantasy land portrayal of a romance out of a fairy tale.  I don’t need to tell you that it was nothing like that.  It’s like they were in some dream world.

In fact, one of the traits, I believe, of this problem is that there is a discrepancy in what they say and do.  It’s a case of one hand does one thing while the other hand does something else.  Their explanation does not describe their actions.  It’s like these girls minds are ‘split’ in some way.  I’ve seen some girls behave just like a whore with all the manners of a ‘loose’ female then, when you talk to them, they turn into ‘little miss innocent princess.’  It’s like two different people.

I recall one therapist saying something interesting to me one day that stands out in my mind.  He said, “The female who is attracted to the insensitive abusive male has almost reached epidemic proportions.  If it continues at this rate we are going to find a large group of decent honest loving men who are not going to find a mate easily.”  How true or accurate that is I don’t know.  I don’t know if I’d call it an epidemic, not unless there’s something I don’t know, but it is out there. 

Remember that I was looking at extreme cases, some of which seemed almost psychotic. While I was studying this I was struck by how many girls in the general population were similar to them.  In fact, many ‘normal’ girls were amazingly similar to these extreme cases.  I saw girls attracted to the ‘wrong male’, ‘jerks’, insensitive males, abusive males, and so on, everywhere I turned.  The ‘Jerk question’ came up again and again.  All these appeared to be a mild version of the extreme cases to me.  In fact, I have always viewed many girls being attracted to the ‘jerk’ or abusive or insensitive male as a mild version of it.  This makes me look at it very differently than most guys.  The majority of the guys only look at it from a dating perspective, a “quirk” in the female, so to speak.  I SEE SOME OF IT AS A MILD VERSION OF THE EXTREME CASE, THE “DRIVE TO BE A VICTIM”.  It’s got a spectrum that can range from practically non-existant to pathological.  The pathological side can range from mild, such as being attracted to a domineering male to control her, to extreme, wanting a man to beat her almost to death.  As a result, I usually see the pathological forms as a sign of a more serious problem than most people, depending on its severity. 

I talked to a number of psychologists about the extreme cases.  The explanation they gave depended on the psychological theory they held to.  As a result, the explanation was very dependant on what views they took.  Not even psychology could really answer it.  That’s why I don’t think anyone else will.

I don’t ever recall anyone giving this condition a name either.  There seemed to be a reluctance in acknowledging this as an issue in itself, I’d say almost a denial.  Most psychologists tried to lump it into some other condition or say it was nothing and that only the extreme cases should be looked at seriously.  I didn’t though.  I generally called the extreme cases the ‘Abusive Question’ and the milder versions the ‘Jerk Question’.  I’m sure that now, considering the state of psychology now, they’d deny it or some other thing (lately, I have not been too impressed with modern psychology).  What they call ‘progress in psychology’ is really just another generation’s point of view.  It seems like progress and development because it’s new, not because it is progress and development.

One therapist, a female, told me that after having to treat many of these girls she has concluded that there is a wisdom in some of the old ways where a female did not choose her mate on her own (like the Jewish custom where the parents choose the husband).  “Many girls are simply not capable of making this decision,” she said, “they are too fickle and go with the first guy that preys upon her whims and he usually only wants to get in bed with her.  Then they’re stupid enough to believe he loves her.”  I’ve found this statement true for many girls.  I agree with what she said:  “a female does not need to choose her mate, she just needs to agree.”  I was surprised to hear that from a female, especially during the “Ms. she’s-equal-now” era.  Basically, she was saying that a lot of these girls wouldn’t be in this position if there was more control over their behavior.

It seems that most of the girls aren’t necessarily destined to go in that direction.  Most of the girls seem to lean in that direction.  If there’s nothing to stop them going in that direction then that’s where they go.  If there was something to prevent it they wouldn’t take that path.  It’s like they need to be protected from themselves.  They need something to direct the passion in the right way (However odd this may sound, it appears that the ‘drive to be a victim’ and the ‘drive to be a mother’ are the same passion.  The only difference is that they are directed in different paths!).  Again, I can see the wisdom of the past.  For centuries females were put in a ‘protected environment’, so to speak.  They usually were required to stay in a specific area, were chaperoned wherever they went, were restricted in where they went, had to ‘belong’ to someone (her father or husband), was watched by the mothers and grandmothers, had to cover up their body, etc., etc.  Looking at it now it’s clear that it was for the female’s best interest and was actually created and enforced by the females themselves, most of the time.  Contrary to what a lot of feminists claim MOST OF THE RESTRICTIONS IMPOSED ON THE FEMALE IN THE PAST WERE DONE BY THE FEMALES THEMSELVES, not by the males.  Mothers, grandmothers and the customs that they developed were what imposed most of the restrictions.  These restrictions were generally done to protect the female.  When males imposed them they usually were following their lead.  Even now I can see mothers putting restrictions on their daughters and watching them like a hawk . . . without papa even knowing.

Like I say, most of what we see in the general population is extremely mild and of no real consequence, an irritation for most guys.  But there is a small proportion that is more than that.  It can be very serious, destroying lives, and even be deadly.  But it all seems to describe a similar trait in the female, a similar passion.  Where they are seems to depend on its severity. 

Over the years I have accepted the fact that there is a ‘drive to be a victim’ in the female.  For many girls it’s practically non-existent.  For others it makes jerks look like Prince Charming.   And still, for others, it makes guys who are abusive very appealing.

For what it’s worth . . .

 (I think I wrote this in about 2007)

This entry was posted in Feminism: a destructive philosophy, Male and female, Psychology and psychoanalysis and tagged , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

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