Thoughts on how to deal with love shyness???

(I probably wrote this in 2008.  I originally wrote this in a forum for those of us who are love shy.)

I’ve often wondered what can really be done about love-shyness.  What can a person do? 

To me, love-shyness is like a paralysis, an inability to initiate a relationship.  As a result, we need some form of a ‘crutch’ to help us out.  I often think that, in the dating scene, we try to do everything on our own with our own effort.  It’s almost like a matter of pride, a way of proving ourselves.  But this is probably what we shouldn’t do.  We need to accept that we need an influence of a ‘crutch’ to help us out.

But there’s so many varieties of male characters out there.  There cannot be a ‘one crutch’ for all.  THE ‘CRUTCH’ MUST FIT THE CHARACTER OF THE MALE THAT’S USING IT.  My impression is that about the only real guidance we get on this issue is to keep trying and learn social skills.  That’s very limited and, I feel, only reflects a small proportion of the males out there.

Here’s some ideas that I came up with that might be used, depending on the males character:

– Some people need to TRY HARDER.  With this group it depends on them.  They need to drum up more courage.  This seems to be the explanation that seems most prevalent in Mr. Individualist and Mr. Success America.  It fits their philosophy of life but it is not practical for everyone.  My personal feeling is that this is only a small proportion of the guys out there.

– Learn SOCIAL SKILLS.  Ask people advice and use it.  Again, I feel this is good only for a small proportion of males out there.  A lot of the guys are just too scared to use it. 

– Some people, which I believe is probably the largest group, NEED HELP FROM SOMEONE ELSE.  They need some form of ‘intermediary’.  I tend to believe this is the situation that will help the most guys out.  I feel this is what I need, but no one seems to be helping me out.  More than once have I mentioned that love-shy guys shouldn’t be trying to solve their problems.  The fact is:  We’re not competent (or we wouldn’t be having this problem).  We need someone.  I sometimes think that we need to not look for girls, but for people who can ‘line us up’ or introduce us to a girl.  Just to have another person make that small effort helps us overcome our main paralysis:  Initiating a relationship.  WHAT WE NEED IS SOMEONE TO DO THE ‘INITIATING’ FOR US.  It becomes like a bridge spanning over our inadequacy and completely bypassing it.  In 20 years I’ve only been ‘lined up’ twice.  The first was a blind date which panicked the crap out of me and in the other case the girl wouldn’t give me her phone number, oddly enough.  I often try to DROP HINTS to people, without directly saying my desire to meet someone.  With people I know more closely I TALK ABOUT MY DESIRE TO MEET SOMEONE.  So far I’ve received no help, but I know others that have.  I think something like a SUPPORT GROUP, such as this site, might help a lot of us out as well.  I suppose a DATING SERVICE might help for some, but that’s like a blind date to me, which would make me all the more nervous. 

– Another thing is if you can FIND GIRLS THAT ARE EASIER TO GET ALONG WITH.  I don’t know where that is exactly but maybe they can be found.  For a love-shy guy it seems that WE NEED GIRLS THAT ARE EASIER TO GET ALONG WITH AND DON’T PLAY STUPID GAMES WITH US.  For myself, I’ve always felt that I need a girl that is understanding and will ‘reach out’ to me unstead of making me do all the work.  As I said in the other thread I started ‘why don’t we approach females?’ THE HELP WE NEED MOST IS FROM THE FEMALES THEMSELVES.  We need them to do something besides sit there expecting us to do everything.  We need abit more courtesy and kindness than they’re giving.   One option, I’ve found, is FOREIGN GIRLS, as white American females seem too difficult and a pain for me.  I have found that many foreign girls are more approachable, more understanding, more helpful, more friendly, etc. than white American females.   To me, they are more easy to talk to as well.  They are also more funner, I’ve found.  They are not all like this but there are more like this than with white American females, who play too many games and have too many ‘special requirements’.  I’ve found that if I want to talk to a girl I always go to a foreign girl, never a white American female.  They generally talk to me and are easier to talk to and more friendly.  It seems a relationship is easier to start.  I’d do anything to be around them more and get to know them, but I only see them occasionally.

– Some guys, I think, need to do an INNER INQUIRY of themselves, asking why they are the way they are.  There needs to be soul searching.  For some, this may be enough to get the courage, but I think it’s a small proportion of the guys.

– In one thread called ‘Resignation’ (in this thread I went by the name ‘Just Another Guy’) I put forth the idea of NOT TRYING TO FORCE THINGS TO HAPPEN as this often strangles the situation for some guys.  It’s not uncommon in life that people simply ‘try too hard’.  By not trying hard things often happen.  I know, as a fact, that this subject creates a lot of tension in guys, caused by frustration, disappointment, and so on.  It creates a horrible tension which I always compare to a ‘knot’ inside us, like some cancerous tumor.  Sometimes LETTING GO OF THIS ‘KNOT’ is the best thing a person can do.  More than once have I mentioned that this ‘knot’ is the thing that is causing the paralysis, at least for some guys. 

– Another thing is to PUT YOURSELF IN A SITUATION WHERE YOU’RE AROUND GIRLS ALL THE TIME.  Who knows, this may help some guys out.  Being exposed to them may make some guys less shy (and probably make some guys more shy!) and put you in a position to start a relationship.

– Another situation is too JUST ACCEPT THE SITUATION.  Despite what people may say about it a small proportion of guys will take this path.  Perhaps it’s best for some guys.  I wouldn’t advise this path but some guys will find themselves in this position and have to face it.

Certainly, this is not all the solutions.  I’m not going to pretend to have the answers.  I don’t.  I do feel it’s good to look at all the varieties of ways to deal with this problem, unstead of just a few.  One of these solutions may help someone out.

This entry was posted in Oversensitivity, the 'rift personality', shyness, love shyness, and Asperger's, Psychology and psychoanalysis, The male and female and tagged , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

One Response to Thoughts on how to deal with love shyness???

  1. leigh says:

    or maybe, just maybe, this “dating game” is so unbalanced, so unfair and
    hypocritical inits “rules” that only the liars and ceats can play it.

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