Thoughts on love-shyness and the reluctance to approach a female

(I probably wrote this in 2008.  I originally wrote this in a forum for those of us who have problems with love shyness.)

I sometimes get the impression that there has not been enough reflection on why some of us are reluctant to approach females.  Why would we be that way?  What would make it so that a small proportion of the male population could not ‘make the move’?  This is something that, you would think, would be instinctual?  But for some of us that isn’t so.  There is a tendency to say it is ‘out of fear’ or whatnot which, though it may make sense and be true for some, it isn’t true for others and tends to be very simplistic.  To me, I tend to look at love-shyness in a certain way.  Let me explain . . .

To me, this is the “condition” of being Love-Shy:


The variable of the “condition” is the “something”.  But what is this “something”?  I do not believe there is one “something” for everyone, but a multitude varying with the wide variety of character of guys out there.  Love-shyness seems to be a condition that has many causes and variables.  It’s almost an individual by individual type of deal, it seems to me.  Even as I have reflected on this dilemma for the past 5 years I have seen many ‘somethings’ just in myself.  For me it almost seems a conglomeration of ‘somethings’ which have all added up to the love-shy dilemma, which now plaques me.  For others, I suppose, it could be one issue, plain and simple.

After observing myself and others I have noticed certain ‘somethings’ which seem to either cause the love-shy type of condition or help it out.  Here’s some of them that come to mind:

– A FEAR or PHOBIA of the female.  Guys are just too ‘scared’ to approach them.  I know that I’d rather have a root canal without anesthesia than ask a girl out.

– AN APPREHENSION BASED ON PAST EXPERIENCES.  I’ve heard many guys say they don’t want to ever associate with a female because of bad experiences.  For me, girls have always seemed to be rude and ignorant with me.  Why?  I don’t know.  I must admit that it has made me somewhat apprehensive.  It’s not uncommon for me to look at females with a little suspicion.  Not altogether inspiring.

– A HATRED of the female. 

– A manifestation of a male who is CHRONICALLY SHY.  Some people seem to be born shy and that’s the way it is.  That’s not going to help them much in trying to associate with girls.

– Let’s face it, SOME GUYS JUST DON’T KNOW HOW TO APPROACH A FEMALE, like some people can’t draw or play an instrument.  There’s a skill, apparently, in associating with females (and people as well).  It’s a skill I surely have not developed, despite all my effort and attempts.  I don’t think I ever will.  I think many of us never will.  A lot of girls nowadays are just TOO DEMANDING as well.  They seem to require so much that many guys just can’t provide it.


– Remember that some girls CAN’T RELATE WITH US as well.  I’ve seen that many times.  I’ve usually been described as ‘weird’.  This has always stunned me as I seem very normal from where I stand.  But what am I supposed to do about something I can’t see?  There’s another problem to add to the collection.

– It also seems that FEMALES, NOWADAYS, ARE MORE NARROW MINDED, MAKING IT HARDER TO ASSOCIATE WITH.  They are often ‘spoilt’ and expect everything to be a certain way.  If you’re not that way or totally different from what they expect then forget it.  It’s like trying to get a donkey to move.

– I often feel that MANY OF US ARE VICTIMS OF THE STUPID IDIOTIC NOTIONS OF THE FEMALE.  Girls are brought up with a unrealistic view of what a ‘man’ is, based on TV and commercialism.  A lot of us don’t fit that image, nor can we ever come close to it.  That makes it doubly hard for some of us. 

– A CASUAL ‘LAYED BACK’ QUIET PERSONALITY, I’ve found, can kill your ability to associate with girls.  It’s like you got to be Mr. Assertive to get anywhere sometimes.  It seems, to me, that girls tend to prefer jerks or jerk-like guys.  These are generally guys who will do whatever it takes to get what he ‘wants’.  Again, you become a victim of the female’s stupid notions if you aren’t willing to do that . . . or can’t.

– LOW SELF-ESTEEM and LACK OF CONFIDENCE IN ONESELF.  This can make it almost impossible for some guys to ask a girl out or even be assertive at all in life.

– A person who is CHRONICALLY LONELY.  They are lonely all their lives and don’t know how else to be.  The ‘drive’ to find companionship is lacking.

– A person who is DEPRESSED.  I’ve been there.  You have no ambition to do anything.

– The influence of PSYCHOLOGICAL PROBLEMS OF ALL SORTS (neurosis, personality disorders, etc.) are probably so varied you could write a book on it.

– Some sort of BIOLOGICAL PROBLEM.  I suggested a possible biological problem in a thread I started called ‘thoughts on love shyness, antidepressants and 5-HTP?’ based on my personal experience.  For me, I feel that has helped my love-shy type of condition, but I don’t believe it fully explains it.

– A denial of life’s situation.  That is, a male who DOESN’T WANT TO GROW UP.



– Some guys just AREN’T INTERESTED IN FEMALES.  Perhaps, they are too preoccupied with their jobs, hobbies, or who knows what else.  That’s just how it is for some people, nobody really knows why.

– They have a LOW SEX DRIVE, which does not make them pursue females.

– They have a HIGH SEX DRIVE.  It’s so high some may ‘overcorrect’ themselves and avoid females altogether.  I’ve seen that before. 

– WANTING A RELATIONSHIP TOO MUCH.  I’ve always felt this is one of my problems.  It’s like I’m overwhelmed with emotion and want.  In a way, this ‘passion’ scares me because it is so strong.  Personally, I think being ‘OVERLY PASSIONATE’ is a big problem and people mistake it for a ‘fear’ of the female or relationships.  For me, the passion is just so big it’s ‘beyond me’ and seems out of my control.  As a result, I tend to avoid it and anything associated with it, hence I do not ask girls out.  I’ve been around girls when I thought it was going to run me over like a big steam roller.

– LACK OF SUPPORT OR ‘HELP’.  There’s no social pushing or even a support group in any way.  Some guys need to be ‘pushed’ or need alittle support.  There’s always a proportion of the guys in society that often must be ‘forced’ into marriage.

– A LACK OF MEANING IN RELATIONSHIPS.  It seems that, nowadays, the male and female don’t need each other anymore.  There is nothing to ‘inspire’ the male to go through the effort.  In the past generations, a male and female were both required to live.  Now, they are not necessary.  I’ve always felt this shows that there is more to relationships than just sex, love, friendship, and all that.  Relationships are cemented by an economic and practical need as well.  Without that the relationships are unstable, as many seem to be today.  I feel this is another factor for me.  Marriage, relationships, and the female just don’t seem to have much meaning.  I think the modern world has so deteriated them that, for some of us, they just aren’t that interesting to pursue, nor are they essential.  I also think that this deteriation is why sex becomes too much the motive.  What other use is there in the female?  I’ve said that and others have said that as well.  Sometimes I think making sex the motive is one reason why some guys become love-shy.  It dominates the theme too much and overwhelms them.  

– FEMALES ARE TOO DIFFICULT TO DEAL WITH.  How well do I know this?  My experience is that the white American female is the most difficult, rudest, and ignorant person I ever met.  More than once I’ve said that I don’t want anything to do with them.  I found that foreign girls are often the easiest girls to get along with . . . and are more approachable.  I’ve often said that if I want to get married it will be to a foreign girl. 

– THE FEMALE NOWADAYS IS NOT THAT APPROACHABLE.  I’ve found that the white American female is not that approachable.  She has so many ‘special requirements’ and crap that you must do just before some of them will even speak to you.  How many times have I talked to a girl just to be friendly and they close right up.  They live in a shell and build up a wall around themselves.  GETTING RID OF THE SHELL GET’S RID OF HALF THE BATTLE, it seems to me.  But how do you do that?  In many ways, breaking through the shell is the first step to dating and one of the hardest.  It’s doubly hard for us love-shy guys.  For me, at least, it becomes an impenetrable barrier, the one the female never lets down.  Once I sense a shell in a female, it’s best to forget her, I’ve found.  In 20 years I’ve never been able to break that shell, despite all the effort I took.  It was a thing for me, 10 or more years ago, to try to break the shell open.  I’d sit and talk and joke with girls but I found that once a female has a shell around her it’s around her.  I gave up.

– TOO MUCH WEIGHT IS PUT UPON THE MALES SHOULDERS.  Everything depends on what the males do.  We have too much ‘pressure’, I guess you can say.  Usually we got no help either from society or the female.  Some of us need help . . . desperately.  I believe that THE HELP WE NEED MOST IS FROM THE FEMALES THEMSELVES.  What would I give for a little consideration, some kindness, understanding, and a little effort on their part?  But I’ve never received that courtesy.  More than once I have said, “never have I seen a subject that put so much blame on one person when something went wrong.”

– I often feel that, in modern society, the MALE HAS BECOME USELESS.  We are now an appendage to a machine, a cog in the wheel, and a number.  As a result, we have no real dignity or self-worth.  It’s sort of on the line of how someone who has no dignity does not stand for themselves.  Without dignity he has no initiative.  Because of this, we do not approach females.

– Sometimes I can’t help but think it is an ACT OF GOD, as if it is part of how some of us are supposed to be.

You’ll notice that I tend to see three influences above:

  1. The influence of the male himself.  A lot of these problems lies first with the male himself.  That is usually the seat of the crisis.
  2. The female influence.  I don’t believe the female causes love-shyness, but I feel the female can aggravate it and turn a ‘susceptable’ male into one.  I know that from talking to guys.
  3. The society and social influence.  I’ve always felt society often ‘colors’ a lot of relationships and the problems in them.  We cannot discount its influence.

Each one of us is effected in different ways and in different proportions I think.

I also have this belief that SOME MALES ARE BORN LOVE-SHY and that SOME MALES ARE SUSCEPTABLE TO BEING LOVE-SHY.  Under the right conditions, the later group would never become love-shy.  This is where the last two influences I described above come into play.  It seems that it is these two later influences that will turn a susceptible male into a love-shy one.

This entry was posted in Oversensitivity, the 'rift personality', shyness, love shyness, and Asperger's, Psychology and psychoanalysis, The male and female and tagged , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

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