There are times when I describe myself as ‘going under’. For me, this means that I am in conflict, a conflict in which I have no control. ‘Going under’ means, in a way, that I have been swept up in the passion of the conflict and can’t seem to right myself up again. I’ve always described it as if someone lifted the edge of a huge carpet and, as I was walking along, I somehow slipped and slid under the carpet. Since the carpet is so large and heavy I can’t just lift it up. Here is where I have ‘gone under’.
I often will get hopeless and depressed in these states. Basically, I will give up on life, give up myself for dead. I feel downtrodden and dark-like. I see nothing to be happy about. I am all convinced of this. When I finally come out of it I am repetetively amazed how I had no hope in life while I was ‘under’. Coming out of ‘going under’ often feels like stepping out into the sunshine after having to stay indoors as a result of a horrible storm. It can be like an awakening.
This shows how there is a change in a state of mind. My mind changes almost to another personality, as I will take all these ‘dark’ views I normally don’t take. Sometimes, this ‘other self’ will say, do, and think things that will astound me later.
I’ve found that, once I go under, I seldom can get myself upright again on my own accord. It’s like I have to let the passion run its course, almost like a fever. I must let the storm pass. This can take a day to months, even, for this storm to pass.
It seems to keep my self in a balance. Like the day, my self has a ‘day time’ and a ‘night time’. I believe this to be true, that the self has a light and a dark side. By going ‘under’ occasionally, I as if “follow the sun”, as I always say. My self, as if revolves like the sun . . . light, dark, light, dark. I have always felt this was important. I speak of this as the ‘revolving self’.
The self can only be embraced in its entirety. It must be felt as a whole. There cannot be any favoritism here, like only embracing the good. We all have our dark sides. To experience the self a person must experience it. This, though, takes great courage I think, and great integrity. Often, we have to wait til we develop those traits to experience the dark side of our self. But its good to be open to it when the time comes.
Very often it will bring out sides of us that we didn’t know exist. The dark side of our self can be quite frightening. It can also be quite painful. Sometimes, it can feel like giving birth. It can even feel like dying.
Often, here is where there are aspects of ourselves that we refuse to accept or admit to. At other times, it can bring out sides of us that was as if hidden away, great strengths and qualities we never knew existed.
But the ‘revolving self’ is an active thing, going around and around endlessly. Being active it is a fluid situation. Anything can happen, surprises are common.