After work I went walking up a trail and went off into a small valley. There I found a nice spot to sit down. While there I had this shamanistic ‘journey’ dream that was very deep and had great impact on me. It went like this:
“I saw a man, who I knew was a guide. He told me to kill myself and he’d fashion me new. I got a dagger and layed the hilt on the ground with the point up. I layed over it and put the point over my heart. I then let go so my weight ‘stabbed’ me in the heart. Everything went black. [I should point out that this scared me. I actually thought I was dying and became terrified. I felt as if I was separating from myself forever.] I could ‘feel’ he was moulding an image of me out of clay. I was curious what it was. I kept saying, “I have wings. I am a bird!” but he said I wasn’t. He said I wouldn’t see what I looked like until I was ready. That is to say, I would remain unseen by me until I was ready to see the qualities I have. Until I am ready, I will not be able to see myself. I had this notion that I was not an animal but some sort of a mythical creature, like a dragon. He said the new clay figure was the new me. He told me that I would not ‘journey’ in the same way that I was told the shamans did, but that I would do things differently, as I was never intended to be like them. I need to discover my way.”
I woke up and wondered what this meant. I then closed my eyes again and dreamt:
“With my new self I travelled to the ‘interior land’. I flew through the sky like a bird, but I was no bird. While doing so I had the sense that when I was created something was left out, like they left a bolt or some part out of me. I decided to seek it.
I saw a mountain. In the mountain was an undercroping that created sort of a shallow cave. I went into it. There I felt a presence of what I kept calling the ‘creator’ who, I seemed to think, resided in the center of the earth. I could not see him but I approached him in the darkness and he uttered a sound which I called the ‘sound of creation’. I’ve heard this sound before in previous dreams. It’s a very low ‘aaaahhhh’ sound. From it, I said, all things were created. It had such force that it hurled me backward. It was so strong it threw me out of the cave and over the side. As I fell through the air I hit tree limbs which kept taking chunks of flesh out of me. It did this so much that by the time I hit the ground all that was left of me was a stone. It looked like a cloudy crystalline stone sort of like quartz, maybe about an inch long.
I knew that this was my ‘soul’.
The stone sat there for some time. I became scared . . . “What’s next?” . . . “What was going to happen to the stone?” I felt that something like a persons ‘soul’ should not be left lying around.
After some time, some being came and picked it up. I was scared. What was going to happen to my soul now? It took it to its home some distance away. I was in a panic, really scared.
As I sat panicking I realized that the person who picked it up was me, a former self from many years ago.
It all made sense. It corresponds to the dreams I’ve had years ago, that involved the same theme. I’m in the woods in the forest living in a cabin with a lady. I was happy and content there til, one day, I went walking in the woods and something somehow changed me. It was always a mystery what this was and I could never figure out what it was that changed me.
I said that this was that event. The ‘me’ in this dream was the ‘me’ in those previous dreams. I now know what changed me: I found my ‘soul’.
I somehow understood it all.
The lady knew that I would find this ‘soul’. This is why she took care of me. She wanted the ‘soul’ because she had heard it come from the ‘creators breath’. In effect, I was a prisoner of her. This whole theme I knew from previous dreams, of the ‘old lady’ and how she kept me prisoner. I knew this was now a variation of that dream.
Once I found it, she sought me, seeking me, trying to get it from me.
This, I said, was the beginning of my unhappiness in life, of my ‘problems’. I am still her prisoner. This prison causes my alienation and pain. My life, really, is trying to free myself from this prison.
All this stunned me. This implies that there is great ‘power’ in this ‘soul’.
But what power?
I had the ‘soul’ but saw no power in it, at least, nothing dramatic.”
I woke up and thought, “what power do I have? Do I have a power?” I said the lady, who I knew was the ‘old lady’ from previous dreams, wanting the ‘soul’ showed there was great power in it.
I wish I knew what its power was.
I reflected for a while about all this and had another dream:
“I became frightened carrying the ‘crystal’. Someone could steal it. It’s simply too precious. I knew that, in reality, the ‘crystal’ – my ‘soul’ – was something within me, a ‘symbol’ of that something, but I’m not sure what it was.
I found myself grabbing a hammer and grounding the ‘crystal’ to a powder. I spread the powder about all over: on land, sea, and in the sky, all over the world, all over creation.
But, I still wondered what was the power in the ‘crystal’ – my ‘soul’ – that the lady was seeking?”
This dream has many references to earlier dreams I have had, many of which I had ten or more years ago, and are part of my ‘personal mythology’.
One significant one is the ‘old lady’. She was one of the first things that appeared in my dreams. Her origin, interestingly, appeared in a dream I had in the late 1970’s. She’d reappear in my shamanistic dreams 15 or so years later.
To put it simply: The ‘old lady’ refers to the ‘mother’ in life. She refers to what I call the ‘autumn’ mother. In my dreams I was told that the ‘mother’ in life is like the seasons. She has faces that correspond to the seasons. The ‘spring’ mother is bringing forth life, is lovable and kind. The ‘autumn’ mother is the opposite. She is taking of life and is cruel. As a result, she’s associated with death and taking things from people. Why? Because the ‘mother’ in life, in order to give birth in ‘spring’, must take or ‘absorb’ life. As a result, the ‘autumn’ mother is always seeking to take life from things.
Even though there is great pain and fear associated with the ‘old lady’ I know that she seeks death in order to create life. In effect, then, she’s wanting life to create life and is life-centered. Her imprisoning me is really a seeking of my death so that I may be ‘born’ again. She seeks my ‘soul’ so it will be born again too. Depending on how you want to look at it you could say she is ‘seeking my death’ or ‘seeking my birth’. Both are correct.
Early on, in many dreams, she imprisoned me in a hut. She kept me there. This was a common theme in many of my early dreams. There were references to it all the time . . . and it continues down to this dream.
The pounding of the ‘crystal’ into dust and spreading it all over the world is significant. It shows my destruction of self or death. I did this on my own free will. Also remember that this was done out of fear of the ‘old lady’. But, as I said above, the ‘old lady’ is seeking my death, which is why she imprisoned me and caused me pain. In many ways, my pounding the ‘crystal’ out of fear of her shows that I had learned her lesson, of the “need to die” in order to be born again. This same theme, interestingly, is what started the dream off at the beginning for I willingly killed myself. In a way, the reference to the ‘old lady’ in this dream is as if to say, “you understand now”.
Spreading the powder over all creation is a reference to how I follow the ‘father’ in life who is the ‘all’. The ‘father’ is everything, the great presence, the everything. It’s like saying, “I have turned away from the female (the ‘old lady’) and turned to the father”. It’s a reference to a theme I’ve seen before, of ‘dying, being born of the female, and then leaving the female to follow the father’. This, in many ways, is the life theme of the male, of which this dream reflects.
This dream reflects, then, a growth, showing its development through my various dreams over the years.
The powder going to the ‘all’ shows how my contemplation also tends to be directed more to the ‘all’ and not to shamanistic ‘journeying’. It shows a focusing on the ‘great presence’ more than anything else. In a way, it shows that shamanistic ‘journeying’ is not the “thing” for me to do.
It’s interesting that, in this dream, I was told I would not be like a shaman. I have been told a number of times that I was not meant to be a healer, or shaman, in the standard sense. Never has the theme of healing appeared in any of my dreams. I was always told I was intended for other things. I’ve asked many times what it was I was intended for and was never really told. This dream continues that theme of telling me that I have a meaning but not fully revealing what it is. I have always felt that this tendency is the ‘way of the father’. It is something I must discover. Even the first start states that I need to ‘discover’ my new self. And later, in the dream, I am perplexed by the question of the ‘power’ of the ‘soul’, which eludes me, another example of how I need to discover what my meaning is. I tend to feel that this quality of ‘having to discover’ is a trait of the ‘father’ in life.
My feelings over the years, though, is that what I was ‘intended’ for revolves around a theme found, interestingly enough, in this dream: the soul. I speak of the welfare of the soul, preserving the soul, and of seeking it. As I look back on it over the years, this theme is common. In fact, the ‘great presence’, that is so dominant in my life, is actually the ‘great soul’.