Thoughts on “male suffocation” – the need for the male to be away from the female – a unique character trait in the male

There is something which I call ‘male suffocation’.  This is a term that I use when the male feels “suffocated” by the female.  In other words, it basically states that the males need to have time away from the female as well as to have his own ‘male space’.  This seems to be critical for male development and growth.  It is also something that seems unique in the male as nothing like this exists in the female.  Because of this, females are generally unaware of this situation and, as a result, will often behave in a way that actively causes suffocation.  The effects of suffocation can have drastic consequences causing, in some cases, an impairment of the male and his functioning in society.  In some cases, it can practically incapacitate the male turning him into something like a vegetable.  From my own personal experience and observation, I can see that this can be a serious problem.  Interestingly, its a problem seldom mentioned or, as far as I know, acknowledged.

I should point out that this, in no way, says that the female is to blame or that its a result of some ‘bad’ quality in the female.  ‘Male suffocation’ is just a naturally appearing phenomena, just like female over-emotional tendency for example, and is part of the way of things.  It describes a naturally appearing quality of the male character.


I first began to notice this phenomena when I noticed a particular quality in male behavior that was dramatically altered by the female presence.  I noticed it both in myself and other males.

‘Male society’

The ‘male society’ is an aspect of the male and only the male.  It reflects a side of his character.  In many ways, it can have a quality of a ‘whole other world’ to it set apart from the female and society.  It makes it so that the male tends to bounce from several different societies (such as ‘male society’, the ‘marriage society’,  ‘social society’, etc.) during the course of the day and not really realize it.  It is not far from the truth to say that ‘male society’ is a world unto itself.  It has qualities such as:

  • It is often like a club.
  • It often has defined images, symbols, and meanings in it.  Sometimes they are delineated and sometimes they are unconscious.
  • If it is large it is often organized, such as with definite leaders and such.
  • It is often hierarchial or, at least, everyone has a place in it.
  • It is often exclusive, entailing males, and sometimes only males of a certain character, relationship (such as ‘work buddies’), or association (such as a shared hobby).
  • It often entails a form of respect or love between its members.  This often appears as a comradery.

This creates a form of ‘society’ that is separate from greater society as well as other societies.  It also has quite a range.  It can go from a simple friendship between two guys to an organized system, like a government.  In fact, ‘male society’ is actually the basis of civilization all over the world.  All organized societies and social systems seem to have origin in the ‘male society’.

The female disruption of ‘male society’

The female presence tends to disrupt ‘male society’.   In fact, it can put it to a halt and hinder its functioning.  Its so powerful that the female doesn’t even have to do anything . . . they just have to be there in the room!  I, myself, have noticed that and seen it in myself.  Many times have I noticed the difference in male behaviour when a female is in the room compared to when a female is not in the room.   In general, when a female is not there the male is more ‘free’ and open and there’s more of an open expression of bond with other males.  As a result of its ‘hidden appearance’ from the female, the female often never see’s this.  Its because of this that I’ve always felt that, because the female never sees this side of the male, they are usually unaware that it exists.  Some females do know, though, as I’ve heard them mention it.  They will use expressions like “when he is with the boys” and such.  In general, they know only that they are different but they’re not generally not sure how.  This is one of the reasons why females often seem to know so little about the male character (which is not what many claim).  What they see is a ‘modified’ or ‘altered’ aspect of it, which is the male-in-the-presence-of-the-female side of them.  In actuality, this tends to be a restricted and limited image of the male.  In many cases, I tend to think that the male is more open and free in ‘male society’ than in the presence of females, even his own wife, even though his wife may think he is most open toward her.  I’ve always seen most males association with their wife as a slightly ‘modified’ aspect of their self which is only open and free in some respects.  There are some males, though, who are more open and free with their wives but I don’t think its as great as it may seem.


In general, the primary effect of ‘male suffocation’ is a halting or stopping of the male or, rather, an inactivity both mentally and physically.  Even my observation is that when females are permitted in ‘male space’ the males seem to, in some cases, become almost incapacitated.  This is not because females distract them, necessarily, but because a female is ‘there’ . . . just their presence is interfering.  Having a female in the room can greatly impact how males behave.  That shows how powerful it is.  I’ve even heard quite a few males state that when a female is there they can’t ‘do their job’ as effectively, or concentrate effectively.  I’ve even seen evidence of this, of how male job performance deteriates when a female is around.  As a result, the female presence is damaging in the work, and play, environment.  I’ve noticed this in myself as well.  As a general rule, I find I don’t like females there when we’re ‘doing something’.

Some of the effects of ‘male suffocation’ include:

  • Apathy.
  • A lack of initiative and drive.
  • A stunted growth and development if its over a long period of time.
  • They are not as effective in doing things.
  • They cease to be a ‘man’ or ‘male-like’.
  • A dislike or apprehension of the female.   I’ve found that, often, when a male dislikes females it is often associated with suffocation.  In other words, its not that they dislike females but they dislike the suffocation the female causes.
  • Being pussy-whipped or a ‘yes man’ to the female.
  • They become effeminate (and possibly turn into homosexuals if it is extensive – acquired homosexuality).

Because of these, the male can be greatly affected.  To be frank, many males are destroyed by the suffocation, though they don’t realize it.  In actuality, much of male life entails aspects of dealing with the suffocation.


At first I thought that ‘male suffocation’ is primarily a reaction to the female presence in ‘male society’.  As I began to inquire further I began to see that there is another side to ‘male suffocation’.  The disruption of ‘male society’ is just a social manifestation of the phenomena.  In actuality, ‘male suffocation’ is felt individually and personally at the deepest level by the male.  This creates two forms of ‘male suffocation’:

  1. ‘Personal male suffocation’.  This is primarily caused by a persons character and disposition.  Some males feel suffocated more easily than others, and for a wide variety of reasons.
  2. ‘Social male suffocation’.  This is the social manifestation of the disruption of ‘male society’.  As a result, its more a socially sensed generalized suffocation.  Despite this, the suffocation they feel socially is based on forms of ‘personal males suffocation’.

Many males, on a personal level, struggle with ‘male suffocation’.  Some of the more personal reactions include:

  1. Avoidance of the female.
  2. A contempt for the female.
  3. Harsh feelings toward the female if they have no choice but to be around them.

These reactions show the need of the male to have his time away from the female, to avoid the difficult feelings caused by suffocation.  In fact, many of the husbands jokes and jibes against his wife have origin in this sense of ‘suffocation’.  The many jokes about females, in general, also have origin in the suffocation.  In addition, many attacks toward the female, as well as poor views of the female, are often based in it.


There are a multitude of causes of the ‘male suffocation’, from purely female causes to purely male causes.  There is usually a combination of the two, with guys tending to lean to one side or the other, depending on their character.

Male causes and origins

There are a number of qualities in the male that cause this:

‘Mother separation dilemma’

Much of this phenomena is a result of a naturally appearing quality in the male.  It has origins with the male and his mother.  Unlike the female, the male must be ‘removed’ from the mother.  The female does not have this problem because they have the sense of the mother within them and, accordingly, feel a connection with the mother, which the male does not have.  In other words, the female is never ‘removed’ from the mother and they do not have to ‘break away’ from them.  The male, on the other hand, has to be removed from the mother.  This can cause great conflict for some males.  It causes a unique problem the male experiences:  the ‘mother separation dilemma’.

This dilemma is caused because the separation conflicts with a naturally appearing attachment to his mother.  In other words, it shows a deep rooted desire to be attached to his mother.  To put it another way, the male loves his mother too much to be removed from her.  This desire can be so strong that it can cause some reactions such as:

  • A feeling of being swallowed up by the female (who represents the mother).  This often creates a sense of ‘suffocation’, hence the name.
  • A feeling of losing ones self.  In effect, they want to ‘lose themselves in the mother’, often reflecting a desire to be an infant again.

These create the basic traits of the ‘mother separation dilemma’.  At the base of all these is a sense that the male tends to feel that he will lose who he is.  This is because these feelings are really based in feelings of when he was an infant.  In other words, these feelings tend to create a sense of regression in the male and this regression means he must lose who he is and has become.  So we see that the ‘mother separation dilemma’ is really a battle between the desire and need to maintain who he is and a desire to regress to an infant again so as to be attached to his mother again.  Generally, males want the attachment to the mother (or mother substitute such as a wife) but they don’t want the regression this desire creates in them as they will lose all that they are.  This creates a dilemma that probably exists, at least in some form, in every male.

In actuality, it seems that much of ‘male suffocation’ is an avoidance of wanting to regress, coming from the ‘mother separation dilemma’, for many males.  This is no doubt why many males will emphasize ‘being a man’ or doing ‘male things’.  By emphasizing a ‘man’ (as separate from a female) they actually as if avoid this desire to regress and lose who they are.  Its like they must choose:  one or the other.

The sexual element

Its no secret that the sexual element plays a big part with the male.  This is because, in some respects, the male is ‘suffocated’ by his own desire.  This is because he knows he cannot satisfy it.  He must ‘gulp it down’, so to speak.  Having a female in the room can literally stop all the males in their tracks and interfere with their concentration and performance.  It will also make them behave differently.  It can go so far that some of the males may start to argue and fight with another.  I’ve seen this first hand.  I’ve also felt its effects as well . . . it is nothing to look at lightly.  The female presence is a powerful force for the male!  This is because the sexual force is so powerful.

I tend to feel that the males in the U.S. have become somewhat apathetic and ‘pussy whipped’ because the female is “around too much”.  Not only that, the females are dressed, oftentimes, in a sexual or exposing way.  This makes it so that the males are continually being “enticed” but can do nothing about it.  As a result, the American male has to continually ‘gulp down’ his desire.  Its practically become a way of life.  As a result, the American male has become a ‘suffocated male’ as a result, showing many of the signs of ‘male suffocation’:  apathy, becoming effeminate, ‘pussy whipped’, etc.  I tend to feel that this is far more serious than it may at first appear.  This is further complicated by the fact that its practically a crime, in this country, for the male to have his own place . . . everywhere he must ‘gulp down’ and everywhere he is suffocated.  In general, I feel it has had devastating effects.  In some respects, its probably very instrumental in why the American male has become like a ‘vegetable’ nowadays.

One of the things that have stunned me is how females seem to think that the male will not behave differently when they are around guys or that nothing will happen.  I’ve been continually stunned how females seem to never realize the effects of their presence on the male.  Many females don’t realize the power of the sexual force in the male.  They seem oblivious to it.  But the fact is that the sexual force is powerful and plays a great role in the association between the sexes.  After all these years I can see that there is a reason why the male and female have been segregated in all the societies the world over since earliest recorded times.

Difference in character

Because of the difference in character there are natural ‘clashes’ or inconsistencies between the sexes.   In actuality, it seems that the male character will often ‘clash’ with the female character when he is doing something productive, personal, or meaningful.   One of the effects of this is that its natural for society to segregate or separate the male and female activities.  This is one reason why females often have their ‘work’ to do and males have their ‘work’ to do and in which there is little association.  You put them together and nothing often gets done.

Not only that, it seems that the more informal the situation, the more problems there are between the sexes (unless they are married or intimate in some way).  The more formal, the less problems, which is probably why, all over the world, there are strict codes of behavior between male and female in their association. This shows that a lot of ‘etiquette’ and ‘codes of behavior’ are rooted in creating a ‘working association’ between the male and female hinting to the fact that, without them, problems are created.

Another interesting aspect is that, because of their different characters, the female is often like a fish-out-of-water in ‘male society’.  This makes it so that they stand out like a light.  They can become the ‘black sheep’ and are often targeted for ridicule or other things that different people in a group are often treated.  In so doing, they interfere with the male ‘comradary’ and cohesion in the group.  In effect, the female difference in character actually tends to breaks apart ‘male society’.  Regardless of how much they think they are ‘one of the boys’ the female will always be ‘separate’ in ‘male society’.

The ‘other mistresses’

The comradery and social hieararchial tendencies of the male tend to not have a place for females.  The fact is that the male tends to create bonds that does not entail the female.  There also develops a particular uniquely male “love” that exists between other males (and no, it is not homosexual) and their activities.  In some respects, it can be compared to a ‘mistress’.  In fact, it would not be a lie to say that most males have many ‘mistresses’.  In fact, the male actually has a spectrum of ‘other loves’ than does the female.  I sometimes speak of this as the ‘other mistresses’.  Its not uncommon for these to become a form of ‘love affair’ of a sort.  These ‘other mistresses’ include things such as:

  • A ‘bond’ with someone specific, such as a friend.
  • A group.
  • An activity.
  • A belief.

The fact is that things, such as these, can command more attention, concern, and love than does a female, wife, or lover.  As a result, ‘male society’ can entail deeper feelings and emotions than are given to a female.  Many can entail feeling of great emotion, attachment, devotion, and love that are the strongest in a males life.  This fact is largely unknown by females and would probably get many of them upset as many females like to think that they have the males deepest emotions which, to be frank, they usually don’t.

Female causes and origins

From what I have seen, the female generally does not make an active contribution to male suffocation.  That is, they don’t deliberately do anything to suffocate the male typically.  This is why many females are unaware of its effect.  But, the female character tends to cause a condition in which the female is continually threatening the male with suffocation.  This is because, the female character tends to need and ‘hang on’ to someone.  This can very easily have a suffocation quality on the male.  In fact, many males complaints about the female are of various versions of this ‘hanging on’.  Many of the jokes of marriage actually involve this issue.  As a result, it can have an impact on relationships and marriage.  It can make males complain of “bitching” or “nagging”, and that their wives are a “ball and chain”, as well as a frowning on romance and even a general contempt of the female.  Many female emotional and other demands are often perceived as a form of suffocation by the male, as well.


I’ve seen a number of female reactions to ‘male suffocation’:

  • Some females  will ‘threaten’ the male with some form of suffocation to get their way!  In other words, its often used as a form of manipulation.  Because of things like this it often makes some girls think they have power over the male.
  • Because ‘male suffocation’ makes males become removed from female society, it can make some girls envious.  Many girlfriends and wives will become jealous, even, because of the males ‘other life’ and his ‘other mistresses’.   They will see many males doing things, having associations, and achieving things that they don’t have or do.  This can get so bad that it can create what I call the ‘female envy culture’ where females make a life out of being envious of the male (I wrote an article on this called “Thoughts on the female and Victorian society – “being Victorian green” – the females envy of the male and the ‘female envy culture’“).  They will often want to be like a male, emulate males qualities, or even try to intrude into ‘male society’ in some way.  Recently, females have even used law and politics to do it too!
  • Some females will be understanding and give the male his space.  They will let their husband, for example, “go out with the boys” or have his special “man cave”.
  • Many females are oblivious to it and completely unaware of it.  Many females, it seems, are unaware of the ‘suffocation’ that they may cause.


The active intrusion on ‘male society’ in this society by females (nowadays, usually in the name of equality, and such, or as a result of the ‘female envy culture’) has had devastating effects on the male.  This is because ‘male society’ is intended to get away from the female.  Therefore, her presence destroys it and negates the whole thing.  And, because females are generally oblivious to ‘male suffocation’ they don’t realize what they are doing.

Overall, I would say that the female intrusion has a quality of making ‘male society’ less effective and even deteriorate or even destroying it.  In effect, the active intrusion of the female into ‘male society’ is actually creating a less human world for the male and is an unseen element in male dehumanization.  As mentioned above, the ‘suffocation’ causes apathy, stunted growth, and such.  Without the male having his ‘male space’ he is stopped in his tracks.  This, I think, is far more serious than it looks and is one of the many hidden crisis’ in this society.


The suffocation is so powerful that it has made great impact on male/female relationships.  In many ways, one could say that the association between the sexes is very much influenced by the suffocation.  It makes a major impact on how male and female associate with one another.  Some of the ways this is done include:

  • The need for ‘controlled association’ between the sexes (etiquette, codes of behavior, etc.).
  • The need for the male to be away from the female and to have time away as a person.
  • The need for the male to have his ‘male society’ with other guys.
  • The need for the male to have his own activities.

This all encompass a need for various forms of a ‘niche’ for the male exclusively.  The formation of the ‘niche’ allows the male to his ‘male space’ away from the female.  This allows them to be away physically and mentally.  This ‘niche’ is seen in every society in the world since earliest times and has been there for a reason.


In many ways, ‘male suffocation’ shows that the male needs both worlds, of a life with the female and a life without a female, in order to grow properly and be a person.  In this way, the male actually lives in two worlds and has two separate lives.  Because these are two diametrically opposed they can create problems though.  As a result, ‘male suffocation’ requires conditions that allow for both of these worlds to exist side-by-side, such as a social condition that makes this possible.  This social condition has existed for centuries all over the world since earliest times.   Unfortunately, nowadays, this is being threatened causing a dilemma for males.


Copyright by Mike Michelsen

This entry was posted in Dehumanization and alienation, Male and female, Modern life and society, Psychology and psychoanalysis, Society and sociology and tagged , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s